k so yesterday my parents went to the beach and instead of going with them...i stayed at my step-dads mothers house. basically all we did was read jokes to each other, watch the footy, and talk to my cousin here are a few of the jokes that i liked best XD please if you want a little chuckle i syggest you read the whole thing lol.


Firt guys says; 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy says; 'You're lucky, mine's still alive!'

Q) What do you call Bob the Builder when he retires?
A) Bob.

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.
She told him; 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than six seconds. AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!'
The next mornong Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a boxed gift in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back into the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Ed has been missing since Friday. Stupic, stupid man!

RANDOM THOUGHTS OF A WANDERING MIND...:
- Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
- A day without sunshine is like...night.
- On the other hand...you have different fingers.
- What happens if you get scared half to death...twice?
- 42.7 of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.
- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
- When everything is coming your way...you're in the wrong lane.
- Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY:
- I went to the book store and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
- If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
- What if there were no hypothetical questions?
- If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you achieved?
- Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
- Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
- Why do phsycics always have to ask your name?
- How is it possible to have a civil war?
- Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' ti have an 's' in it?

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promtly jumped in to save him...she swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her discharged from the hospital as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Enda the news she said, 'Enda, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisi by jumping in and saving the life another patient so I have that your act displays sound mindedness.
'The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his dressing gown belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'Oh he didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

A grandson asks his grandmother how old she is. She refuses to tell him, reminding him that you're never supposed to ask a woman her age. A few weeks later the grandson visits his grandmother again.
He says; 'I know how old you are!'
She ask; 'How did you find out?'
He says; 'I looked at your licence. Now I know you're 84 AND you got an F for sex.'

and lastly, my personal favorite....
HOW TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY:
- At luch time, sit in your parked car with sunglassed on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
- Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
- Everytime someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
- Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffine addictions, switch to Expresso.
- In the butt of all your cheques write; 'For smuggling diamonds.'
- Finish all your sentances with; 'In accordance to the Prophecy.'
- Don't use punctuation.
- Put your wastebasket on you desk and label it 'In.'
- Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
- Specify that your drive-through order os 'To go.'
- Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
- When money comes out the ATM scream; 'I won! I won!'
- When leaving the zoo, start running towards the car park screaming; 'Run for your lives, they're loose!!'
- Tell your children over dinner; 'Due to the economy we are going to have to let one of you go.'
- And the final was to keep a healthy level of insanity...